Decisions, Decisions

On this exceptionally verdant, vernal equinox (it is 82 degrees and nature is responding with full color, vehicle covering, yellow pollen included), I have made a decision, at least for today, not to decide. Oh, there are many things that need to be decided. Seemingly important things like: who, what ,when, where and how things always require attention. There are things that folk commonly refer to as "pressing things". These things matter. I decided however, that today at least, I will not do any deciding. This not-deciding is foreign for me. I am a decider.

Every morning I begin my deciding with coffee, my latest journal (I have stacks of them) and my daily planner. The journal is first and takes me through my first cup of coffee. I decide what went well and what went not-so-well yesterday. I chronicle these events. For things that went well, I offer thanksgiving. For things that did not go so well, I seek solutions. Then, I decide. I decide based on the flowers and thorns of yesterday, what I must seek to accomplish today.

This is the point at which the second cup of coffee and planner come into play. The planner is my way of deciding to control my propensity for A.D.H.D. behavior by substituting O.C.D. behavior. These are self diagnoses, of course. So, I write those things that I have decided, I must do. I even write "read" and "write" in the planner everyday because I decided a while ago that these are important daily rituals.(See what I mean....O.C.D.) Then, I write down obligations or opportunities that I have decided to attend to that day.

As my day goes on, I check off each, must-do, obligation and opportunity as I complete them. This list begins my day of deciding. At the end of the day, I feel satisfied or dissatisfied depending on the number of things that I was able to put a check next to. This "check" is my personal seal of self-approval. Most of the things on my list, I decide, must be done. Some things, I decide , are not that important in the great scheme of things. (This is why I carry liquid paper in my purse.) At the end of the day, I decide if I have made good decisions.

Well, not today! I am going to have a decision free day. I am going to enjoy seeing the green returning to the trees, the birds singing and even the ubiquitous pollen. I know that the pollen signifies springs decision to appear early and the beauty soon to follow. I am truly going to enjoy this day sans journal and planner.

OK...I have actually made two decisions while writing this. The first is that I am going to switch from coffee to herbal teas. I think that coffee may be the instigator of my obsessive deciding. The second decision is never to refer to myself as A.D.H.D or O.C.D. again. Everything, after all, begins with a decision.