Purpose vs. Ego

Two decades ago while I was sitting in a training session for Reading Recovery Teachers the instructor made the following statement, "When we take our eyes off of the task at hand, we allow ego to interrupt the process." She was referring to the task of teaching struggling readers. The process was a scientifically proven process of instruction. She was making a point that if we follow the process that we had chosen to pursue, we would succeed. On the other hand, if we took it upon ourselves to veer from the scientifically proven method we would fail. As severe as it sounded, she was right about that method of teaching. After all, our purpose was to learn Reading Recovery teaching techniques. My focus here, however, is not on Reading Recovery but on the part that ego plays in the failing of one's purpose. I was working in the garden today, blowing leaves, pulling weeds and assessing what survived the winter and what did not. As I blew away the leaves, I made a startling discovery. Just underneath the mulchy, yucky wetness of the fall and winter's combined assortment of leaves and nuts and such, there was a flurry of activity. Juicy fat earthworms, busy centipedes, ants, spiders and some un-names creatures were busy preparing the ground for springs new crop. There was a part that was being played in this drama that I did not and could not, see. Furthermore, it was happening without my help or permission. It was happening because of purpose. The established purpose of this garden is to be a platform for nature's beauty in my yard. Once we establish purpose, things tend to go in the direction of that purpose unless we interfere. This is not to say that we do not play a part. We do. The interference usually manifests as a result of ego. Ego will cause us to interrupt the flow of things, change directions, change the purpose. There are things taking place just below the surface, on our behalf to help fulfill a purpose already established. For some time now, I have known exactly why I was put on this planet. I know how to do what I do. Actually, I am aware that I really do not know how to do what I do but somehow I am pretty good at it. It is extremely fulfilling. My purpose is well established. I am good at it. I love doing it and I am a blessing to others. Recently, I was presented with an opportunity that had nothing to do with my purpose. It was a good thing. It was a virtuous thing. Mostly, it was potentially quite lucrative. It had nothing to do with my purpose. Oh, I could have pulled it off. However, just because we can do something, it does not mean that it is what we should be doing. Especially, if the main motivation is fulfilling some aspect of ego's schemes: I can get this, I can get that, I can look this way, I can be a part of that group. All of these, not evil in themselves, but compared to purpose, are down right diabolical. They interrupt your flow.They change your direction. They create contrary,anxiety-causing, negative energy which confuse every thought and every action. Once I recognized it for what it was, an interruption, my peace was re-established. Things made sense to me again. I got back in the flow of my purpose. In the movie, The Help", the domestic constantly drilled into the little girl, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." She was a type of all loving maids who helped, in the absence of the mothers, to establish a life of purpose in the children. The main character was a type of all children who had been pointed in the direction of purpose, early in life. She chose to embrace and follow her own purposeful path. She was kind, even when it was unpopular. She was smart enough to get the attention of an important publisher for her innovative piece of work. She knew that her life's work was important enough to go against the status quo. Ego tempted her with a life of "social heredity", the right man, the right crowd...etc. However, her purpose had been established; kindness, smarts, importance. She knew what she had to do and the temptations of ego, although present, did not change her course. Success is a direct result of knowing and following purpose. Although, sometimes tedious. Although, long and difficult. Although, there are times when we must stand alone. It is worth it to follow our own life's path. This path is established by purpose. Ego is always present to try and assuage us to go in another direction. We must remain vigilant. We must keep in mind that just below the surface, there is a flurry of activity that we cannot see. Activity that is busy preparing a way for the fulfillment of our purpose. When our purpose is established, the Universe conspires with us to fulfill it. The enemy of purpose is ego. We should be ever vigilant in our pursuit to resist it.

Decisions, Decisions

On this exceptionally verdant, vernal equinox (it is 82 degrees and nature is responding with full color, vehicle covering, yellow pollen included), I have made a decision, at least for today, not to decide. Oh, there are many things that need to be decided. Seemingly important things like: who, what ,when, where and how things always require attention. There are things that folk commonly refer to as "pressing things". These things matter. I decided however, that today at least, I will not do any deciding. This not-deciding is foreign for me. I am a decider.

Every morning I begin my deciding with coffee, my latest journal (I have stacks of them) and my daily planner. The journal is first and takes me through my first cup of coffee. I decide what went well and what went not-so-well yesterday. I chronicle these events. For things that went well, I offer thanksgiving. For things that did not go so well, I seek solutions. Then, I decide. I decide based on the flowers and thorns of yesterday, what I must seek to accomplish today.

This is the point at which the second cup of coffee and planner come into play. The planner is my way of deciding to control my propensity for A.D.H.D. behavior by substituting O.C.D. behavior. These are self diagnoses, of course. So, I write those things that I have decided, I must do. I even write "read" and "write" in the planner everyday because I decided a while ago that these are important daily rituals.(See what I mean....O.C.D.) Then, I write down obligations or opportunities that I have decided to attend to that day.

As my day goes on, I check off each, must-do, obligation and opportunity as I complete them. This list begins my day of deciding. At the end of the day, I feel satisfied or dissatisfied depending on the number of things that I was able to put a check next to. This "check" is my personal seal of self-approval. Most of the things on my list, I decide, must be done. Some things, I decide , are not that important in the great scheme of things. (This is why I carry liquid paper in my purse.) At the end of the day, I decide if I have made good decisions.

Well, not today! I am going to have a decision free day. I am going to enjoy seeing the green returning to the trees, the birds singing and even the ubiquitous pollen. I know that the pollen signifies springs decision to appear early and the beauty soon to follow. I am truly going to enjoy this day sans journal and planner.

OK...I have actually made two decisions while writing this. The first is that I am going to switch from coffee to herbal teas. I think that coffee may be the instigator of my obsessive deciding. The second decision is never to refer to myself as A.D.H.D or O.C.D. again. Everything, after all, begins with a decision.